aviyah is 3 1/2 years old now. yalei is almost 1 1/2 years old. they are still so tiny, but they feel like they're so much bigger to me. sometimes i think about how crazy this whole thing is. i am at a restaurant or at a park or on the sidewalk and i see the crazy things we do from the outside. i see parents making a really really really big deal out of really small things. and i think, what are we really doing?
i'm always afraid that i'm doing something i don't really want to do. i'm always trying to think: is this something i was taught? is this what i really want to say? is this how i really want to say it?
recently, samantha started to ask if i wanted to have a third child. i feel like yes, the answer is yes, but i feel like it's also more complicated than that. it is really really beautiful sometimes, but it's also really really hard. sometimes, i also feel like just lying down on the bed is a really really beautiful thing, too.
no, i mean for real. i mean, big picture and small picture, sometimes, being able to do exactly what you want to do in exactly that moment is so important. i mean that. i know that there is balance, but i sometimes i really also miss being able to live just my own life.
before we had aviyah, we talked about teaching overseas. we were going to apply to be in the peace corps in china. i still feel sad that we weren't able to do that. i feel like there are things that can totally change your life. you are one person, and then you are another. what happens when you do them? what happens when you don't do them?
at the end of the day, i just really want to process and i really want to understand why i really do want to have more children. i feel like people can get caught up in so many races. i just want to know for sure.
Thursday, November 26
Monday, August 24
learning hebrew 4 (top ten grammar tips)
people have wildly different views of how hard hebrew is to learn. people who feel hebrew is easy to learn explain that the root system, or basic verb structure, largely organizes grammar and conjugation. however, the language grammar is also very different than romantic or latin languages, so it can be quite difficult to understand what the rules and systems are and exactly how they operate.
for me, it took a little bit of hard work to get started into the language, but once i started to understand some or the really core concepts, i feel like the work started to get easier for me. the things i've listed below are some understandings that i've picked up from speaking and reading and listening over time. i imagine that the ideas aren't totally pure, but i hope they can be helpful if you're trying to find your way. each idea is something that i didn't know at first and then learned to internalize with practice.
(where possible, i've tried to give a brief explanation of what i mean, as well as a link to a useful website to explain further. some explanations are still in draft, and please forgive any spelling errors below. i will fix as soon as i see them and realize (or learn) my mistakes.)
1) gender
in hebrew, all nouns and adjectives are masculine or feminine.
when you describe nouns, you have to conjugate the adjective to match the gender of the noun. it's exactly like you would do in spanish. . . that is, it's backwards from english. generally, a word that ends with a "ה" or with a "ת" will be feminine. all other word endings will generally be masculine. (of course, there are always irregulars.)
2) verb conjugation
you conjugate each verb according to case, tense, and binyan.
we do conjugate our verbs in a rather regular fashion in english, but our verbs also vary according to language of origin. (we've received a mishmash of rules from a mishmash of languages.) in hebrew, you conjugate each verb according to the subject and tense, the same as in english. however, you also learn to understand different rules for different g'zarot, types or forms of the verbs. if each binyan is a building, then the g'zarot are like little rooms of verbs within the buildings.
3) verb system
there are 7 verb "buildings", or binyanim.
each verb (most often) has a 3 letter root, or שורש. you can often apply a different filter to the base root in order to cause different verbs. as you get to understand the binyanim, you start to understand how to adjust verbs for actions someone is performing, actions you are performing to somebody or something else, and actions you perform to yourself. for example:
he is wearing a shirt.
he dresses her in a shirt.
he dresses himself in a shirt.
4) "et" and "ה"
a special hebrew word identifies proper or specific nouns.
there is no direct corrolary to the hebrew word "et" in english. you simply have to learn to add it in every time the direct object is a proper or specific noun.
for example:
i do not want the orange stroller.
i do not want "et" the orange stroller.
when you have a specific noun to identify, you also place a "ה" before the noun and adjective in order to signify they are joined. (a sentence without the second "ה" will mean something different.)
5) smichut
two nouns join together to form a connected phrase.
in hebrew, when you match two nouns together, you move the "ה" from before the specific noun to between the two nouns. you also change the ending of the first noun and make the second noun (only) plural (when necessary).
feminine smichut:
swimming pool
pool swimming
masculine smichut:
air temperament (weather)
temperament air
masculine plural smichut:
sun glasses
glasses sun
6) prepositions
individual verbs use specific prepositions.
the specific preposition don't really make sense, although it helps to learn which means what. there can be some intuition when verbs acts towards on upon somebody. however, these can really only be learned by reading or hearing in context and then memorizing. (they are also listed in 501 Hebrew Verbs.)
7) prepositions decline
the prepositions conjugate according to pronoun case.
when you form sentences, it's important to understand an important hebrew convention: you conjugate prepositions. in english, you would simply add the preposition as an independent word in a sentence. however, when prepositions connect to pronouns, you conjugate the preposition to fit the pronoun case. that is, you or he or she or us or so on. a partial list of included prepositions: of, with, towards, in, from, with, for, on, between, before, after, behind, in front, as, and without.
(i have a great document here, but i can't find the original website, and i don't yet know how to link the document to the blog.)
8) imperative
use the future tense to order someone around.
israelis use the future tense as the colloquial imperative. that is, "do this!" there is an actual imperative that is used more in songs, films, and literature. soem words are still used in the imperative, like sit or go, but most are just used in the future tense. (the convention is to add the word בבקשה , or please, when using the future tense.)
9a) making nouns.
you can generally make exact nouns from the verb's root.
9b) making adjectives.
you can generally make adjectives from verb conjugation.
9c) making adverbs.
you can sometimes make adverbs from connected adjectives.
10) double negatives.
you say no and the negative verb together.
in formal english, a double negative cancels out the negative and makes a positive idea. however, hebrew requires the use of "no" as well as the negative direct object. it's more like american black english, where you could say something like, "i ain't saying nothing."
some extra tips just for free:
(although, strictly speaking, they're all for free, i guess.)
A) pronominal suffixes
you can add declined endings to nouns in order to show possession.
in prayerbook hebrew, you often find changed endings to the same base noun. it is possible to add the possessive noun to the end of the base noun. for example, your bagel becomes something like "bagelyr". this is largely uses only in high hebrew (prayerbooks and literature); however, there are some places where pronominal suffixes are more conventional, including body parts.
(my best suggestion is to wait for a while before you try to learn and add in these endings. they're a bit tricky and using regular possessive pronouns is also completely normal and completely fine.)
B) "ש".
that means that, but it also splits time and tense.
"ש" is used (more often than in hebrew) to split sentences with the word "that". you will start to get a sense over time of when israelis interject the word, but it is often used to split the sentence by verb tense or sentence subject.
C) sentence structure
noun + verb? verb + noun?
in hebrew, not all sentences run noun verb, noun verb. some sentences flip the noun and verb (and even the direct object) in order to emphasize the actor or the action and some sentences are simply conventional to flip:
D) impersonal sentences.
you're really talking about everybody.
impersonal sentences in english use a singular verb. however, impersonal sentences in hebrew use the masculine plural conjugation and drop any preceding pronoun. it implies something like that everybody is doing something always.
E) Cardinal and ordinate numbers.
there are four different sets of numbers: masculine and feminine numbers to count and assign.
when you simply count numbers, you use the feminine set of cardinal numbers to count. however, when you count specific things, you use the specific gender to number those things. for example:
F) The Subjunctive.
i would like to . . .
in english, we often use the subjunctive tense in order express a want or wish more politely. for example, when we order food, we might say, "i would like to order. . . ". you make the subjunctive tense in hebrew by adding the correct conjugated past tense form of to be or להיות.
for me, it took a little bit of hard work to get started into the language, but once i started to understand some or the really core concepts, i feel like the work started to get easier for me. the things i've listed below are some understandings that i've picked up from speaking and reading and listening over time. i imagine that the ideas aren't totally pure, but i hope they can be helpful if you're trying to find your way. each idea is something that i didn't know at first and then learned to internalize with practice.
(where possible, i've tried to give a brief explanation of what i mean, as well as a link to a useful website to explain further. some explanations are still in draft, and please forgive any spelling errors below. i will fix as soon as i see them and realize (or learn) my mistakes.)
1) gender
in hebrew, all nouns and adjectives are masculine or feminine.
when you describe nouns, you have to conjugate the adjective to match the gender of the noun. it's exactly like you would do in spanish. . . that is, it's backwards from english. generally, a word that ends with a "ה" or with a "ת" will be feminine. all other word endings will generally be masculine. (of course, there are always irregulars.)
- red car
- car red = מכונית אדומה
- black sock
- sock black = גרב שחור
2) verb conjugation
you conjugate each verb according to case, tense, and binyan.
we do conjugate our verbs in a rather regular fashion in english, but our verbs also vary according to language of origin. (we've received a mishmash of rules from a mishmash of languages.) in hebrew, you conjugate each verb according to the subject and tense, the same as in english. however, you also learn to understand different rules for different g'zarot, types or forms of the verbs. if each binyan is a building, then the g'zarot are like little rooms of verbs within the buildings.
3) verb system
there are 7 verb "buildings", or binyanim.
each verb (most often) has a 3 letter root, or שורש. you can often apply a different filter to the base root in order to cause different verbs. as you get to understand the binyanim, you start to understand how to adjust verbs for actions someone is performing, actions you are performing to somebody or something else, and actions you perform to yourself. for example:
he is wearing a shirt.
he dresses her in a shirt.
he dresses himself in a shirt.
- הוא לובש חולצה.
- הוא מלביש אותה בחולצה.
- הוא מתלבש את החולצה.
4) "et" and "ה"
a special hebrew word identifies proper or specific nouns.
there is no direct corrolary to the hebrew word "et" in english. you simply have to learn to add it in every time the direct object is a proper or specific noun.
for example:
i do not want the orange stroller.
i do not want "et" the orange stroller.
- אני לא רוצה את העגלה הכתומה.
- ani lo rotze et ha-agalah ha-k'tuma.
when you have a specific noun to identify, you also place a "ה" before the noun and adjective in order to signify they are joined. (a sentence without the second "ה" will mean something different.)
5) smichut
two nouns join together to form a connected phrase.
in hebrew, when you match two nouns together, you move the "ה" from before the specific noun to between the two nouns. you also change the ending of the first noun and make the second noun (only) plural (when necessary).
feminine smichut:
swimming pool
pool swimming
- בריכה + שחייה
- בריכת שחייה
masculine smichut:
air temperament (weather)
temperament air
- מזג אוויר
masculine plural smichut:
sun glasses
glasses sun
- משקפיים + שמש
- משקפיי שמש
6) prepositions
individual verbs use specific prepositions.
the specific preposition don't really make sense, although it helps to learn which means what. there can be some intuition when verbs acts towards on upon somebody. however, these can really only be learned by reading or hearing in context and then memorizing. (they are also listed in 501 Hebrew Verbs.)
- לראות את
- להשתמש ב
- לענות ל
7) prepositions decline
the prepositions conjugate according to pronoun case.
when you form sentences, it's important to understand an important hebrew convention: you conjugate prepositions. in english, you would simply add the preposition as an independent word in a sentence. however, when prepositions connect to pronouns, you conjugate the preposition to fit the pronoun case. that is, you or he or she or us or so on. a partial list of included prepositions: of, with, towards, in, from, with, for, on, between, before, after, behind, in front, as, and without.
- i am going with | you.
- i am going "wiyu".
- אני הולך עיתך.
(i have a great document here, but i can't find the original website, and i don't yet know how to link the document to the blog.)
8) imperative
use the future tense to order someone around.
israelis use the future tense as the colloquial imperative. that is, "do this!" there is an actual imperative that is used more in songs, films, and literature. soem words are still used in the imperative, like sit or go, but most are just used in the future tense. (the convention is to add the word בבקשה , or please, when using the future tense.)
- ask!
- תשאל
- תשאלי
- eat!
- תאוכל
- תאוכלי
9a) making nouns.
you can generally make exact nouns from the verb's root.
- שמר
- שמירה
- דיבר
- דיבור
- התרגש
- התרגשות
9b) making adjectives.
you can generally make adjectives from verb conjugation.
9c) making adverbs.
you can sometimes make adverbs from connected adjectives.
10) double negatives.
you say no and the negative verb together.
in formal english, a double negative cancels out the negative and makes a positive idea. however, hebrew requires the use of "no" as well as the negative direct object. it's more like american black english, where you could say something like, "i ain't saying nothing."
- I didn't do nothing.
- אני לא עסיתי שום דבר.
some extra tips just for free:
(although, strictly speaking, they're all for free, i guess.)
A) pronominal suffixes
you can add declined endings to nouns in order to show possession.
in prayerbook hebrew, you often find changed endings to the same base noun. it is possible to add the possessive noun to the end of the base noun. for example, your bagel becomes something like "bagelyr". this is largely uses only in high hebrew (prayerbooks and literature); however, there are some places where pronominal suffixes are more conventional, including body parts.
(my best suggestion is to wait for a while before you try to learn and add in these endings. they're a bit tricky and using regular possessive pronouns is also completely normal and completely fine.)
B) "ש".
that means that, but it also splits time and tense.
"ש" is used (more often than in hebrew) to split sentences with the word "that". you will start to get a sense over time of when israelis interject the word, but it is often used to split the sentence by verb tense or sentence subject.
- xxxx
- xxxx
- xxxx
- xxxx
C) sentence structure
noun + verb? verb + noun?
in hebrew, not all sentences run noun verb, noun verb. some sentences flip the noun and verb (and even the direct object) in order to emphasize the actor or the action and some sentences are simply conventional to flip:
- it is raining.
- falling (is) rain.
- יורד גשם.
D) impersonal sentences.
you're really talking about everybody.
impersonal sentences in english use a singular verb. however, impersonal sentences in hebrew use the masculine plural conjugation and drop any preceding pronoun. it implies something like that everybody is doing something always.
- one uses a fork to pick up food.
- משתמשים במזלג לתקוע אוכל
E) Cardinal and ordinate numbers.
there are four different sets of numbers: masculine and feminine numbers to count and assign.
when you simply count numbers, you use the feminine set of cardinal numbers to count. however, when you count specific things, you use the specific gender to number those things. for example:
- six pencils
- שיש אפרונות
- six monkeys
- שישה קופים
- sixth place
- XXX
- 8th avenue
- שדרה שמינית
F) The Subjunctive.
i would like to . . .
in english, we often use the subjunctive tense in order express a want or wish more politely. for example, when we order food, we might say, "i would like to order. . . ". you make the subjunctive tense in hebrew by adding the correct conjugated past tense form of to be or להיות.
- i would like
- הייתי רוצה
- we would like
- היינו רוצים
Sunday, August 23
learning hebrew 2 (program ladder)
in a previous post, i listed a full collection of hebrew resources i have used. i've tried to update them over time, but i realize that it's just a huge collection of all kinds of different things. below, i tried to organize the list a bit to help identify what can be helpful at which stage. i progressed through all of these programs, so i'm reflecting on my experience and also my best judgment about what can most help you where.
my hebrew is still in progress, but i feel like i've been able to learn a good deal so far. i started really learning when aviyah was about 8 months old, January 2007. as of august 2009, i have almost 900 verbs, 500 adjectives, and a whole mess of other nouns and adverbs. i have a good accent for an american, although israelis often think that i sound french. (now that i think about it, strangers who ask me what language i'm speaking also guess that i'm speaking french.)
i really encourage you to try it out. you really can do it! i was bar mitzvah, so i did have a working knowledge of the hebrew alphabet and i was able to read hebrew from a prayerbook. however, i really knew nothing at all about how to speak or understand any hebrew at all. i always tell the story that on my first adult trip to israel my friend tried to teach me an israeli slang word for cool: סבבה. (which is actually arabic, actually.) and i went around the whole trip screaming: סבה. (which is actually grandfather, actually.) :)
so below, i've listed several major programs and resources listed by level in order to help you plan out a learning program. i hope this helps!
A or א)
Ulpan א
Textbook: עברית שלב א
BYKI Deluxe
Learn HebrewPod (iTunes Podcast)
in Flight Hebrew
topDictionaries (iPhone dictionary)
iFlipr (iPhone flashcard program)
B or ב)
Ulpan ב
Textbook: עברית שלב ב
Rosetta Stone I
Pimsleur I
Bereshit (Easy Hebrew Newspaper)
C or ג)
Ulpan ג
Textbook: עברית שלב ג
Rosetta Stone II
Pimsleur II
Hebrew Podcast (iTunes Podcast)
vocabulearn I
Children's Books
Yanshuf (Easy Hebrew Newspaper)
D or ד)
Ulpan: Advanced Sicha
Textbook: שׁReader - Modern Hebrew Prose and Poetry
Rosetta Stone III
Pimsleur III (Janauary 2010)
Heivenu Shalom
vocabulearn II
Children's Shows (Dora)
Israeli Music
E or ה)
Disney Movies
Disney Books
Young Adult Literature
Sha'ar L'Matchil (Advanced Learning Hebrew Newspaper)
my hebrew is still in progress, but i feel like i've been able to learn a good deal so far. i started really learning when aviyah was about 8 months old, January 2007. as of august 2009, i have almost 900 verbs, 500 adjectives, and a whole mess of other nouns and adverbs. i have a good accent for an american, although israelis often think that i sound french. (now that i think about it, strangers who ask me what language i'm speaking also guess that i'm speaking french.)
i really encourage you to try it out. you really can do it! i was bar mitzvah, so i did have a working knowledge of the hebrew alphabet and i was able to read hebrew from a prayerbook. however, i really knew nothing at all about how to speak or understand any hebrew at all. i always tell the story that on my first adult trip to israel my friend tried to teach me an israeli slang word for cool: סבבה. (which is actually arabic, actually.) and i went around the whole trip screaming: סבה. (which is actually grandfather, actually.) :)
so below, i've listed several major programs and resources listed by level in order to help you plan out a learning program. i hope this helps!
A or א)
Ulpan א
Textbook: עברית שלב א
BYKI Deluxe
Learn HebrewPod (iTunes Podcast)
in Flight Hebrew
topDictionaries (iPhone dictionary)
iFlipr (iPhone flashcard program)
B or ב)
Ulpan ב
Textbook: עברית שלב ב
Rosetta Stone I
Pimsleur I
Bereshit (Easy Hebrew Newspaper)
C or ג)
Ulpan ג
Textbook: עברית שלב ג
Rosetta Stone II
Pimsleur II
Hebrew Podcast (iTunes Podcast)
vocabulearn I
Children's Books
Yanshuf (Easy Hebrew Newspaper)
D or ד)
Ulpan: Advanced Sicha
Textbook: שׁReader - Modern Hebrew Prose and Poetry
Rosetta Stone III
Pimsleur III (Janauary 2010)
Heivenu Shalom
vocabulearn II
Children's Shows (Dora)
Israeli Music
E or ה)
Disney Movies
Disney Books
Young Adult Literature
Sha'ar L'Matchil (Advanced Learning Hebrew Newspaper)
Friday, August 7
learning hebrew 3 (learning principles)
at camp this summer, i taught an elective session on learning hebrew. my hebrew is only so so in the bigger picture, and i still make a lot of mistakes. there are things in grammar and conjugation that are really hard to figure out without social context. still, for my situation, i feel like i've been pretty successful trying to learn and apply hebrew in a short amount of time. i try to be honest about my difficulties, and i also try to be honest about the fact that i'm not really really good, yet. i'm still working. . .
i listed the different kinds of resources that i've used to learn hebrew in a separate post. it's so nice now because there are so many different kinds of resources out there. there are professional, research based programs and textbooks, and there are also free and cheap computer-based or ipod-friendly learning programs.
there are so many ways to go, but i've really come to believe that there are core principles to learning the language that are even more important than what resources you use.
1) commit to learn.
this sounds so simple, but it's so important. it's true that i used rosetta stone to learn, or pimsleur or others. still, the programs can't actually make you learn the language. i know that sounds silly, but if you don't work the programs, they really can't work for you. whatever program or book you use to learn hebrew, you have to be really deeply committed to learning every single day. you'll really have to put in the work. i recommend setting aside 30-60 minutes every day to study for at least the first year. to study and practice learning and review learning and to learn new things. i know it sounds like a lot, but i think it's really important.
that's a really big commitment, right. but at the same time, it's really not that easy to learn and internalize a language. it isn't just memorizing words. it's about giving yourself the practice and repetition to really internalize the structure of the language. i always say that if there were a monkey who studied hebrew as much as i do, i'm pretty confident that the monkey would speak hebrew better than i do.
2) learn in context
any program will give you an organized set of vocabulary words that are largely tested and pretty important. at the same time, you should focus on learning words that you want to learn and that you can really commit to using or trying to use in context. i always carried a little scrap of paper with me so i could record a word that i wanted to know. then, i would look the word up when i got back home so i could learn it. if i could use a word in context, i knew that i had so much better of a chance to really own the word. (now, i have a dictionary in my iphone, so i can look up the word in the moment and then email it to myself. it's really helpful!)
3) learn with others.
you really can't learn hebrew in isolation. it's really important to provide context for your learning. can you find a buddy to commit to learning with you? for me, aviyah (and the idea of aviyah) was so important to learning the language because it gave me consistent repetition and real context and purpose. but it doesn't have to be your daughter. is there someone you can write letters or emails to? is there someone you can ask questions to make sure you're understanding something right?is there someone who you can actually talk to (or try to talk to) in hebrew?
4) learn different ways.
they can all work. some people say that this way or that way is better for learning. that may be true in some ways, but they all have their advantages. try to use all different methods to give yourself the best chance at retaining all kinds of stuff. if you recognize the strengths or weaknesses to each method, you can work to use the best practice of each.
for example, flashcards can't help you put words in context, but they can help you process a whole mess of words that you can try to put in context later. or, when you see a flashcard, you can try to place that word in the context of an imaginary conversation with someone else.
5) keep learning.
if you are able to commit to really learning, you will pick up enough language to be functional. however, you'll need to keep going. keep using your old skills as you keep trying new and more challenging ways to move yourself forward. you'll graduate from some early programs and techniques, and you'll need to find more advanced programs and techniques to keep learning! there's so many!
good luck!
בחצלחה!
i listed the different kinds of resources that i've used to learn hebrew in a separate post. it's so nice now because there are so many different kinds of resources out there. there are professional, research based programs and textbooks, and there are also free and cheap computer-based or ipod-friendly learning programs.
there are so many ways to go, but i've really come to believe that there are core principles to learning the language that are even more important than what resources you use.
1) commit to learn.
this sounds so simple, but it's so important. it's true that i used rosetta stone to learn, or pimsleur or others. still, the programs can't actually make you learn the language. i know that sounds silly, but if you don't work the programs, they really can't work for you. whatever program or book you use to learn hebrew, you have to be really deeply committed to learning every single day. you'll really have to put in the work. i recommend setting aside 30-60 minutes every day to study for at least the first year. to study and practice learning and review learning and to learn new things. i know it sounds like a lot, but i think it's really important.
that's a really big commitment, right. but at the same time, it's really not that easy to learn and internalize a language. it isn't just memorizing words. it's about giving yourself the practice and repetition to really internalize the structure of the language. i always say that if there were a monkey who studied hebrew as much as i do, i'm pretty confident that the monkey would speak hebrew better than i do.
2) learn in context
any program will give you an organized set of vocabulary words that are largely tested and pretty important. at the same time, you should focus on learning words that you want to learn and that you can really commit to using or trying to use in context. i always carried a little scrap of paper with me so i could record a word that i wanted to know. then, i would look the word up when i got back home so i could learn it. if i could use a word in context, i knew that i had so much better of a chance to really own the word. (now, i have a dictionary in my iphone, so i can look up the word in the moment and then email it to myself. it's really helpful!)
3) learn with others.
you really can't learn hebrew in isolation. it's really important to provide context for your learning. can you find a buddy to commit to learning with you? for me, aviyah (and the idea of aviyah) was so important to learning the language because it gave me consistent repetition and real context and purpose. but it doesn't have to be your daughter. is there someone you can write letters or emails to? is there someone you can ask questions to make sure you're understanding something right?is there someone who you can actually talk to (or try to talk to) in hebrew?
4) learn different ways.
they can all work. some people say that this way or that way is better for learning. that may be true in some ways, but they all have their advantages. try to use all different methods to give yourself the best chance at retaining all kinds of stuff. if you recognize the strengths or weaknesses to each method, you can work to use the best practice of each.
for example, flashcards can't help you put words in context, but they can help you process a whole mess of words that you can try to put in context later. or, when you see a flashcard, you can try to place that word in the context of an imaginary conversation with someone else.
5) keep learning.
if you are able to commit to really learning, you will pick up enough language to be functional. however, you'll need to keep going. keep using your old skills as you keep trying new and more challenging ways to move yourself forward. you'll graduate from some early programs and techniques, and you'll need to find more advanced programs and techniques to keep learning! there's so many!
good luck!
בחצלחה!
Sunday, May 3
on the wild
i just finished watching the sean penn film, into the wild. the book is loosely based on the jon krakauer profile, first published as a series of articles in outsider magazine and then as a book. the story is so crazy poignant, i think, because the tragedy is that he does not live to learn what he ended up learning. the treagedy isn't that he made his mistake, i think. i think it's that he doesn't ever get to learn what he learned from making the mistake that he made.
by all accounts, mccandless was a good soul. an old wind. he was crazy and off the grid in the way we really should be if we were truly sensible. what is this whole thing anyway? what are we really doing anyway? i mean, don't you ever think that this whole thing really is screwed? i mean, we sit in rows and grids of things. i mean, not in actually rows and grids, but our styles, our interests, our friendships, our lives became made into grids and patterns and systems of emotions. anyway, i feel like his sotry call this whole thing. i mean, life is, in some sense, completely wacked.
krakauer also writes how he made a choice to try to conquer the stupidest hardest craziest obstacle he could. he told the story by way of disclaimer because he understood what mccandless set out to do. and i don't think that my trip out west, on my own, is exactly the same. i certainly did not climb the steepest mountain that had not been climbed. i did not set out to sustain myself apart from all society in the wilderness. i did set out to break from myself and from the world, to live, just live and meet experiences on the street that i didn't know about. i stayed at a friend's place for some time before they became also weary of me. but i do connect with what he wanted to do, with who he was, ith who he wanted to be.
the thing i cry most about when i cry about this story is that chris never was able to come back and see that he was crazy and see that he didn't fully understand how big we are and also how much bigger everything else is. that that bigger realy could just end everything else. that we are here, now, but he is not. that people, sometimes, just don't get that chance. that it just ends.
i know that people who know more about the wildnerness think he's more hurtful to the whole sense of wilderness and so on. but i just think there's real simple tragedy in his life. he was a good man. he was different. he wasn't perfect. but he did his thing and he ws only ever trying to be closer to himself, to his wilderness, to who he really was.
krakauer guesses that mccandless died from starvation from eating a misidentified seed. the poisonous seed accelerated starvation but the tragedy isn't just that he starved to deeath. it's not that he just died. in the end, he did come so much closer to himself, to his understanding of the world, to who he was and who he was not. it's not that he's a hero. and it's not that he's a villian.
the true tragedy, i think, is that he was just a young man that wanted to understand the world, to understand himself, and he lost and he lost and he never got to be whoever it is that he really wanted to be. it'sn ot that he was going to sell out. it's not that he wasn't. it's just that the tragedy is that he was on this path to just try to figure out what the real value of this all is anyway after all? what is the real value of this all after everything anyway?
i still wonder. i still wonder, what is the wild? i wonder, could i have gone further into the wild? i wonder, can i still go?
by all accounts, mccandless was a good soul. an old wind. he was crazy and off the grid in the way we really should be if we were truly sensible. what is this whole thing anyway? what are we really doing anyway? i mean, don't you ever think that this whole thing really is screwed? i mean, we sit in rows and grids of things. i mean, not in actually rows and grids, but our styles, our interests, our friendships, our lives became made into grids and patterns and systems of emotions. anyway, i feel like his sotry call this whole thing. i mean, life is, in some sense, completely wacked.
krakauer also writes how he made a choice to try to conquer the stupidest hardest craziest obstacle he could. he told the story by way of disclaimer because he understood what mccandless set out to do. and i don't think that my trip out west, on my own, is exactly the same. i certainly did not climb the steepest mountain that had not been climbed. i did not set out to sustain myself apart from all society in the wilderness. i did set out to break from myself and from the world, to live, just live and meet experiences on the street that i didn't know about. i stayed at a friend's place for some time before they became also weary of me. but i do connect with what he wanted to do, with who he was, ith who he wanted to be.
the thing i cry most about when i cry about this story is that chris never was able to come back and see that he was crazy and see that he didn't fully understand how big we are and also how much bigger everything else is. that that bigger realy could just end everything else. that we are here, now, but he is not. that people, sometimes, just don't get that chance. that it just ends.
i know that people who know more about the wildnerness think he's more hurtful to the whole sense of wilderness and so on. but i just think there's real simple tragedy in his life. he was a good man. he was different. he wasn't perfect. but he did his thing and he ws only ever trying to be closer to himself, to his wilderness, to who he really was.
krakauer guesses that mccandless died from starvation from eating a misidentified seed. the poisonous seed accelerated starvation but the tragedy isn't just that he starved to deeath. it's not that he just died. in the end, he did come so much closer to himself, to his understanding of the world, to who he was and who he was not. it's not that he's a hero. and it's not that he's a villian.
the true tragedy, i think, is that he was just a young man that wanted to understand the world, to understand himself, and he lost and he lost and he never got to be whoever it is that he really wanted to be. it'sn ot that he was going to sell out. it's not that he wasn't. it's just that the tragedy is that he was on this path to just try to figure out what the real value of this all is anyway after all? what is the real value of this all after everything anyway?
i still wonder. i still wonder, what is the wild? i wonder, could i have gone further into the wild? i wonder, can i still go?
Tuesday, April 28
Sunday, April 26
Thursday, April 2
bat echat!
happy birthday yelei! it's your first birthday! you just started to take your first steps yesterday, and you're already getting so big. i have a really bad memory, sweetheart, but i can remember holding you, very new, in front of our family and friends. we held you and we read to you what i hope for you.
i still hope for you only happiness. i hope for you, of course, so many things, but i hope, most of all, that you are happy. i think about it, now, are you happy? i am not so good sometimes with little little kids. i feel like, even more, maybe i have spent a little bit less time with you, too. i'm sorry. i know more and more i have been trying to make sure i'm explaing to aviyah and explaining to you how important you are and how much i love you.
i know it is not important to you now, but sometimes it is hard with more kids. i used to think that i wanted 9 kids. i wanted to have a baseball team i said because there are so many different personalities on a baseball team and you all could be so different. now, though, i think it's a lot harder than that. what position would you be, though?
you're so much different than aviyah. you are your very own little lady. you are independent and peaceful and you also jack all the other kids of their toys when you see them. you even take toys from aviyah and she's so much bigger, but it's like she doesn't know what to do. i am so happy that you are so independent, and i really hope that you like that. i worry, sometimes, that maybe it's because we aren't able to give you exactly as much time as we gave aviyah when she was little.
i don't want to say that we don't spend a lot of time with you. we do. and i don't want to say that we don't love you with everything and forever. we do! we also are always thinking about how to make sure you are getting enough, to make sure that you are getting your full life, and to be honest, i think sometimes we gave aviyah a little bit too much attention. it's so funny , though, too, maybe you are just different. it's so hard to figure those things out. are you different because you are different? are you different because we are different?
i still hope for you only happiness. i hope for you, of course, so many things, but i hope, most of all, that you are happy. i think about it, now, are you happy? i am not so good sometimes with little little kids. i feel like, even more, maybe i have spent a little bit less time with you, too. i'm sorry. i know more and more i have been trying to make sure i'm explaing to aviyah and explaining to you how important you are and how much i love you.
i know it is not important to you now, but sometimes it is hard with more kids. i used to think that i wanted 9 kids. i wanted to have a baseball team i said because there are so many different personalities on a baseball team and you all could be so different. now, though, i think it's a lot harder than that. what position would you be, though?
you're so much different than aviyah. you are your very own little lady. you are independent and peaceful and you also jack all the other kids of their toys when you see them. you even take toys from aviyah and she's so much bigger, but it's like she doesn't know what to do. i am so happy that you are so independent, and i really hope that you like that. i worry, sometimes, that maybe it's because we aren't able to give you exactly as much time as we gave aviyah when she was little.
i don't want to say that we don't spend a lot of time with you. we do. and i don't want to say that we don't love you with everything and forever. we do! we also are always thinking about how to make sure you are getting enough, to make sure that you are getting your full life, and to be honest, i think sometimes we gave aviyah a little bit too much attention. it's so funny , though, too, maybe you are just different. it's so hard to figure those things out. are you different because you are different? are you different because we are different?
Friday, March 27
dual language school
the other day, i was talking to another father who lives in our building. his wife is israeli, and he recognized that i was speaking hebrew with aviyah. i asked him if they or she were also trying to speak hebrew with their daughter. he said that they were not going to try to introduce hebrew until they knew that everything was okay with her first language, english.
that made sense. i'd also heard before that sometimes second language acquisition can move smoothly when learners have mastered their primary language. in some ways this makes sense, and i definitely feel that because i understand how english works, and i can understand the similarities and differences between the two languages.
at the same time, i can totally see that it just makes sense to teach a second language this early. the whole world is kind of a question, right? i mean, to young children, the whole day is exploring and testing and trying to figure out what things are, how they work, what might happen next. in some ways, language is a natural extension of that. we learn to infer and predict and analyze before we even have words, and we definitely try to express what we're thinking before we even have words. at root, our words are abstract translations of the things we actually think or feel, right? at root, our thoughts and feelings are just chemical reactions in our body?
sometimes, i get worried to see if aviyah is developing her english well. i want to teach her hebrew, but i always want to check in with samantha or the teachers at her school to make sure that they think her language is going okay and moving forward because i definitely don't want this to ever get in the way. i really do want to continue learning and speaking hebrew with aviyah for a bunch of reasons, but i definitely don't want it to slow her down from developing or anything.
when i was in israel, i definitely saw that the israeli children have so many more supports and their hebrew is so clearly better than my hebrew, too. i mean, it makes sense, right? in the same way that we are surrounded by english here, on television, in stores, in our building, on the street. and i definitely know that her hebrew is behind their hebrew. i mean, i was talking with some 5 year olds and i was kinda embarrassed because i couldn't follow all of them.
(at one point, i was like, "oh, i don't know, maybe ask your mommy." i don't know what the little boy was asking me, but i figured he'd either ask him mom and it would make sense, or he'd figure out ok, this dude can't hang.)
i also know that her hebrew is behind her english. she doesn't struggle nearly as much as she did before, and she's actually got a bunch of words that she uses. but she does forget some words she knows, and she doesn't flow anywhere near as much as she does in english. i'd say her hebrew is about at 70% of her english. that might be high, i don't know. i do know she speaks always in hebrew to me, nad sometimes she sputters or pauses but she clearly knows to speak to me in hebrew even if she is in the middle of a conversation with somebody else in english.
in an older video, she lapsed into some english when she just wanted to say something and didn't want to wait. she doesn't do that so much anymore. she's pretty much able to say what she wants to say, kind of like i was when i was further back, because the truth is you only need a certain amount of words to say most things. then, you get stuck on specific objects or specific actions and you an learn the word in context.
Sunday, March 8
dora b'ivrit
דורה Sticky Tape
Uploaded by xxvirtualxx
dora is actually really popular for young kids in israel. it airs on hop!, the major children's channel. they actually redub dora so that she is teaching english to hebrew speakers. dora and boots speak hebrew, but the many of the friends and characters speak english. dora translates the words from english to hebrew for boots, just like she does for spanish in the american dora.
Sunday, March 1
g'dolim
so, aviyah is super super way way into dora. it's kinda crazy. i mean, i think it's something that maybe i would generally feel like "ahhh!", but i actually think it's really cute and i totally think that dora's a really good role model for a young girl. i mean, here are a whole bunch of parents who i think are really really annoyed with dora, and i guess i can understand. it's like any kid fad, right? a toy or a hula hoop or a boy. i think it can get tired after a while.
but the thing is is that she watches dora on the computer in hebrew, so dora was always really interesting to me too because i would learn hebrew along with aviyah. i mean, i even downloaded a few episodes on to my ipod for me to watch, and there were a few times i was on the subway and somebody would look over and be like, really? really? you're watching dora?
anyways, she's like so into it that each of us all have our own dora names. so aviyah is dora, and i'm boots, and mommy is benny (or now maybe mrs. marquez), and yalei is tico. (the extended family has names too: mommom is isa, papa is chocolate tree, and so on.) and she's pretty serious about it. i mean, first of all, when people meet her now, she's all disgruntled when i say her name is aviyah. she does settle for me saying, "her name is aviyah, but she really really likes dora, and if it's okay, if you can call her dora." and she smiles and she's very happy.
so, anyway, when we were in israel, i lost our umbrella stroller, but one of my friends was really nice and she borrowed a stroller we could use from one of her friends. when we went to pick up the stroller, there were two little girls from the family. the older girl was about 4 1/2 or 5 years old. when i introduced aviyah as kind of dora, she was very clear that she did not like dora at all. she didn't mean aviyah, she was just saying that dora was not cool at all. i asked her why and she said, "g'dolim sonim et dora. raq k'tanim ohavim et dora." big kids hate dora, she said. only little kids like dora.
then her mom explained that it was so crazy because even a month before, she was still so into dora, but now, all of a sudden, she totally did not like dora even at all. it was so sad. aviyah was like, why doesn't she like dora? how could she not like dora? and i tried to explain to her that sometimes little kids can be a little rough and she's just a little bit confused because dora is way cool. and she was okay with it, but it was so sad because it made me think about how even though she's so into dora now, not even that she won't always be into dora, which is natural, but that one day she'll specifically decided not to like dora anymore because of peer pressure, you know. it's like she could totally still like dora, but then other kids will make fun of her (and it's true, my students make fun of me when i say something about dora because of aviyah) and that's so sad, i think.
Thursday, February 26
ha-kotel
aviyah wonders why the men pray on one side of the wall and the women on the other. gam ani.
the prettiest girl in gan
morah sarah sings this song to her at gan. my voice is not
very good. . . i'm sorry!
הילדה הכי יפה בגן
יש לה עיניים הכי יפות בגן
וצמה הכי יפה בגן
ופה הכי יפה בגן
כמה שמביטים ביותר
רואים שאין מלדבר
כי היא הילדה הכי יפה יפה בגן
Wednesday, February 25
ben gurion
the plane from ben gurion doesn't leave for new york until 12.40 am. still, we have to arrive to pass through customs and israeli security 3 hours earlier. aviyah plays mini dollhouse with a "dora adventure" set and the plastic box covers.
Thursday, February 12
Sunday, February 8
muzikali
yalei is really into standing up, now. (i mean, like standing up holding onto things.) she pulled herself up onto the musical table and up and down and up and down. she's not yet cruising on her own, but if we hold her hands she's on the move! (she's 10 months and 6 days. i don't know the milestones and stuff, but i think she's in her range. i don't think she's ahead or behind.)
she's very different than aviyah, i think, so far. aviyah was always kind of pretty willful and pretty attached. yalei is a more easy going, and she can already play alone pretty well. i definitely don't think that she is raised in the exact same way. in some ways, i'm pretty sure it's better, but i know that all of the attention that we gave aviyah all the time also had a lot of positives, too. it's funny, though, because sometimes aviyah will get down or something and she'll come sit on our lap and suck on her finger and yalei is off playing in the corner and it's like they've flipped ages.
sometimes, we also worry and try to make sure that she gets all of the same reading time and playing time that we gave to aviyah. it is harder, though, for sure. i mean, sometimes you're very tired or she's very calm and also i feel like sometimes we were over-present for aviyah. i mean, i think she's doing really well (aviyah), but i wish we had made sure to give her more alone time, too.
yalei likes clapping very much. she likes standing on my lap. she likes choosing which fingers to hold onto. she likes eating big people food. (she's very over baby food.) also, she likes to jack other little kids of their toys. (aviyah, i think, has never stolen a toy in her life. i love that, too, but i have a special place in my heart for feistiness.)
Saturday, February 7
razor burn
last night, we invited two good friends over for shabbat dinner. we were halfway into the conversation, i think, and it comes up that aviyah cut herself this morning on her arm. the details of the story are pretty gruesome, and they make me look pretty awful, i guess. she had a disposable razor in her bag that she brought to school. she had two cuts on her arm that were bleeding. i mean, that's not the whole story, but like last night, the headline buries the story.
i know it's pretty important to set the context better, but i'm pretty sure that no matter what context i give, it will be pretty easy for people to say i'm wrong. in fact, i'm pretty sure that i made a mistake, too. (although, i'm also quite sure that we won't agree on what the mistake was.) the context is this: i (sometimes) shave in the morning, and aviyah loves to hang out in the bathroom with me in the morning and pretend she's doing what i'm doing. i'm brushing my teeth, she's brushing her teeth. i'm taking a show, she's taking a shower. i'm shaving my beard, she's shaving, um, her beard. i think that's all pretty normal and regular, right?
so we were recently cleaning up our bathroom before my parents came in for samantha's bat mitzvah, and so, for some reason, two cans of shaving cream are out on our little pack-away-stuff things. they started to use some shaving cream to help draw winter scenes in gan, so she started to understand how to use the bottles and she started putting shaving cream on her face every morning. on balance, it's like super cute. she makes the faces like i make when i'm shaving. (because there are like weird angles and stuff, but anyway.) and i use an electric razor most of the time so we practice when it's off an her face, and i feel like it's totally natural. she's exploring and trying things out and connecting with daddy.
anyway, she found a handheld razor the other morning and she took it out of the pack-away drawer. she was holding it to her face, and i explained to her that she could pretend she was using it, but it's actually very sharp so it's very important that she not touch the razor to her skin. if she actually used it on her face, she would cut herself, so it was okay to pretend with daddy, but she couldn't touch her own skin. and she totally understood, and she went through the whole thing, fake faces, stroking the razor like she was shaving, and she was so proud.
i mean, i'm sure that it doesn't really matter anyhow because i'm sure that already i'm in trouble. i'm sure that are a lot of people who think they know what's up (and probably even some who do know what's up) who think i'm crazy, and i'm well aware that i've got a little different perspective on parenting and well a whole lot of things than a lot of other people.
i mean, i don't think i'm way out there on most things, and i've read quite a bit, and i work with kids, so i feel like i have some insights that i've learned. and, in full disclosure, i mostly think that most parents (including me) are pretty good people who don't have a really perfect idea about what we're doing. i mean, i think we have a sense of why we're doing something (i.e. he has to learn that it's not okay to ____, or she has to know that she can't always ______ or ______), and we feel like the choices we're making are right because we know that x behavior isn't okay or isn't right. in the end, though, we don't always know for sure that what we're doing is working or is even going to work.
i mean, i do feel like i'm a pretty thoughtful and pretty reflective parent, and i do feel like i've read things and experienced things that help give me some insights in things i can do. i do feel like i work pretty well with kids, and it's really uncommon for me not to get along with a younger kid. i mean, i think i generally know what i'm doing, although for sure, there are times when i know for absolute sure that i really don't.
anyway, i just know that whatever it we choose in whatever situtation we're in, we don't always know exactly what's going to happen. we can try (and i do try) things that have the best success with different kinds of kids, but there are always some variables that are hard to control. i guess the larger thing is that we can try to do the best things we can the most consistently that we can do them, and over time we hope that we'll really have a positive impact. for sure, there's no doubt in my mind that kids come wired for some things. still, there is also no doubt in my mind that we effect who our kids are. we change them. we change what they think about themselves, what they think about us, how they see and what they think about the world.
my larger point is this: i want my girls to feel like they can explore anything in the world, and i generally feel that even when we make mistakes (including me), we can learn from the mistake and the learning from the mistake actually makes the whole mistake thing even more positive than being prevented from doing something at all. on a simple level, our children fall when the start to walk, and yet, while we might do what we can from softening their falls, we all know that we've got to encourage them and let them fall sometimes. in fact, they start to learn how to maintain there balance when they fall out of balance on things.
obviously, the limitation to this strategy is when the accident could be so serious or so dramatic that it really wouldn't make sense to even learn from the mistake. my challenge is finding exactly where that place is, right? because i know i'm way farther out than other people. it's just i beleive so strongly that a lot of parents just straight up antagonize and limit their children in what they think are the children's best interests. of course the paretns love their children, but they don't understand that saying no to all these things large and small have unintended consequences. beyond even feeling safe to explore their interests and passions, they also start to feel like they can't even be independent. this means they either rebel (to take back their independence) or they submit (and lose parts of their independence).
in contrast, i feel like they've got to learn to negotiate their independence. it's like, okay, i can argue with aviyah for 20 minutes to put on her coat if she doesn't want to, and of course i'm right because it is freezing outside and she's gonna like it even worse than she doesn't like wearing her coat. but it doens't mater that i'm right. i feel like the bigger thing at work is she's trying to exercise her independence and i want to encourage her to make her own choices. so, then, yes, we go outside and she decides to put her coat on, but there's no power struggle, no i told you so's, no stubborness. it takes one extra minute outside, probably 10 minutes less inside, and i feel like it also builds up a whole bunch of trust.
so, what all happened with the razor? i think she went to get her bag when i was still in the bathroom, and i lost attention of her and she somewhere gave herself a small cut on her arm from the razor. i'm lucky in the sense it was a surface cut and it's no big deal. and for sure i made a mistake by losing my attention for a minute and not noticing that she walked out of the bathroom with the razor in her hand. and, already, i'm sure i don't have any possiblity of convincing anyone i did the right thing by letting her paly with the razor. but that's the thing. i'm convinced there's a larger point her, and i don't know how all this is going to play out, and no i'm not raising the world's savior, and no i'm not inventing answers that people have never thought of before, and yes all of this stuff, the posting on blogs, the writing poems or stories, the having an account on facebook (and posting 25 things about myself), is inherently self centered. it's saying, i'm important. i have ideas, why don't you pay attention to me?
see, it's not really that i think in comparison to others all the time. it's not necessarily that i'm saying, when i'm trying to design my classroom lessons to be challenging and engaging an rigorous and fun and meaningful that i'm necessarily saying i'm better than eveyrone else. i think what i'm really saying, though, is that i do take my life seriously, and i do want to do the best that i possibly can. no, i'm not saying a better parent than others. in fact, i feel like i try really hard to open some of this stuff up here in the blog: parenting isn't easy. marriage isn't easy. teaching isn't easy. i make mistakes all the time. and i feel like aviyah is a long way from being a perfectionist because she knows we all make mistakes and the important thing isn't making the mistake. it's learning from the mistake. it's not learning from the mistake that makes us have problems. it's learning from the mistake that makes up do better.
so, i'm pretty sure i believe that i still believe it's important to let her explore all sorts of things that i know at least everybody else probably thinks is completely insane and crazy. i'm not convinced she should have been told no at the beginning, although yes i do believe that there are real things to say no to right away, beginning with no not ever never hurt somebody else. no not ever yell or punch or push and pull on somebody else. it's never ever okay to hurt somebody else like that. bu there's still a whole bunch of things that i just feel like we need to say yes to.
so, what did i learn? i'm pretty sure that i just learned i've gotta make sure i'm paying attention whenever i'm making those decisions. i'm pretty sure that if i decided it was okay for her to hold the razor, then i just should have decided i was going to stay with her and watching the whole time she was holding it. because if i'm not able to do that, then i probably shouldn't have decided it was okay to play with. (by the way, what did aviyah learn from the whole situation? a) daddy makes mistakes. . . which by the way, she isn't really just learning, and b) playing with a razor isn't something she really wants to do. what's the gain? she learned it from her own choices.
what else has she learned like that?
i know it's pretty important to set the context better, but i'm pretty sure that no matter what context i give, it will be pretty easy for people to say i'm wrong. in fact, i'm pretty sure that i made a mistake, too. (although, i'm also quite sure that we won't agree on what the mistake was.) the context is this: i (sometimes) shave in the morning, and aviyah loves to hang out in the bathroom with me in the morning and pretend she's doing what i'm doing. i'm brushing my teeth, she's brushing her teeth. i'm taking a show, she's taking a shower. i'm shaving my beard, she's shaving, um, her beard. i think that's all pretty normal and regular, right?
so we were recently cleaning up our bathroom before my parents came in for samantha's bat mitzvah, and so, for some reason, two cans of shaving cream are out on our little pack-away-stuff things. they started to use some shaving cream to help draw winter scenes in gan, so she started to understand how to use the bottles and she started putting shaving cream on her face every morning. on balance, it's like super cute. she makes the faces like i make when i'm shaving. (because there are like weird angles and stuff, but anyway.) and i use an electric razor most of the time so we practice when it's off an her face, and i feel like it's totally natural. she's exploring and trying things out and connecting with daddy.
anyway, she found a handheld razor the other morning and she took it out of the pack-away drawer. she was holding it to her face, and i explained to her that she could pretend she was using it, but it's actually very sharp so it's very important that she not touch the razor to her skin. if she actually used it on her face, she would cut herself, so it was okay to pretend with daddy, but she couldn't touch her own skin. and she totally understood, and she went through the whole thing, fake faces, stroking the razor like she was shaving, and she was so proud.
i mean, i'm sure that it doesn't really matter anyhow because i'm sure that already i'm in trouble. i'm sure that are a lot of people who think they know what's up (and probably even some who do know what's up) who think i'm crazy, and i'm well aware that i've got a little different perspective on parenting and well a whole lot of things than a lot of other people.
i mean, i don't think i'm way out there on most things, and i've read quite a bit, and i work with kids, so i feel like i have some insights that i've learned. and, in full disclosure, i mostly think that most parents (including me) are pretty good people who don't have a really perfect idea about what we're doing. i mean, i think we have a sense of why we're doing something (i.e. he has to learn that it's not okay to ____, or she has to know that she can't always ______ or ______), and we feel like the choices we're making are right because we know that x behavior isn't okay or isn't right. in the end, though, we don't always know for sure that what we're doing is working or is even going to work.
i mean, i do feel like i'm a pretty thoughtful and pretty reflective parent, and i do feel like i've read things and experienced things that help give me some insights in things i can do. i do feel like i work pretty well with kids, and it's really uncommon for me not to get along with a younger kid. i mean, i think i generally know what i'm doing, although for sure, there are times when i know for absolute sure that i really don't.
anyway, i just know that whatever it we choose in whatever situtation we're in, we don't always know exactly what's going to happen. we can try (and i do try) things that have the best success with different kinds of kids, but there are always some variables that are hard to control. i guess the larger thing is that we can try to do the best things we can the most consistently that we can do them, and over time we hope that we'll really have a positive impact. for sure, there's no doubt in my mind that kids come wired for some things. still, there is also no doubt in my mind that we effect who our kids are. we change them. we change what they think about themselves, what they think about us, how they see and what they think about the world.
my larger point is this: i want my girls to feel like they can explore anything in the world, and i generally feel that even when we make mistakes (including me), we can learn from the mistake and the learning from the mistake actually makes the whole mistake thing even more positive than being prevented from doing something at all. on a simple level, our children fall when the start to walk, and yet, while we might do what we can from softening their falls, we all know that we've got to encourage them and let them fall sometimes. in fact, they start to learn how to maintain there balance when they fall out of balance on things.
obviously, the limitation to this strategy is when the accident could be so serious or so dramatic that it really wouldn't make sense to even learn from the mistake. my challenge is finding exactly where that place is, right? because i know i'm way farther out than other people. it's just i beleive so strongly that a lot of parents just straight up antagonize and limit their children in what they think are the children's best interests. of course the paretns love their children, but they don't understand that saying no to all these things large and small have unintended consequences. beyond even feeling safe to explore their interests and passions, they also start to feel like they can't even be independent. this means they either rebel (to take back their independence) or they submit (and lose parts of their independence).
in contrast, i feel like they've got to learn to negotiate their independence. it's like, okay, i can argue with aviyah for 20 minutes to put on her coat if she doesn't want to, and of course i'm right because it is freezing outside and she's gonna like it even worse than she doesn't like wearing her coat. but it doens't mater that i'm right. i feel like the bigger thing at work is she's trying to exercise her independence and i want to encourage her to make her own choices. so, then, yes, we go outside and she decides to put her coat on, but there's no power struggle, no i told you so's, no stubborness. it takes one extra minute outside, probably 10 minutes less inside, and i feel like it also builds up a whole bunch of trust.
so, what all happened with the razor? i think she went to get her bag when i was still in the bathroom, and i lost attention of her and she somewhere gave herself a small cut on her arm from the razor. i'm lucky in the sense it was a surface cut and it's no big deal. and for sure i made a mistake by losing my attention for a minute and not noticing that she walked out of the bathroom with the razor in her hand. and, already, i'm sure i don't have any possiblity of convincing anyone i did the right thing by letting her paly with the razor. but that's the thing. i'm convinced there's a larger point her, and i don't know how all this is going to play out, and no i'm not raising the world's savior, and no i'm not inventing answers that people have never thought of before, and yes all of this stuff, the posting on blogs, the writing poems or stories, the having an account on facebook (and posting 25 things about myself), is inherently self centered. it's saying, i'm important. i have ideas, why don't you pay attention to me?
see, it's not really that i think in comparison to others all the time. it's not necessarily that i'm saying, when i'm trying to design my classroom lessons to be challenging and engaging an rigorous and fun and meaningful that i'm necessarily saying i'm better than eveyrone else. i think what i'm really saying, though, is that i do take my life seriously, and i do want to do the best that i possibly can. no, i'm not saying a better parent than others. in fact, i feel like i try really hard to open some of this stuff up here in the blog: parenting isn't easy. marriage isn't easy. teaching isn't easy. i make mistakes all the time. and i feel like aviyah is a long way from being a perfectionist because she knows we all make mistakes and the important thing isn't making the mistake. it's learning from the mistake. it's not learning from the mistake that makes us have problems. it's learning from the mistake that makes up do better.
so, i'm pretty sure i believe that i still believe it's important to let her explore all sorts of things that i know at least everybody else probably thinks is completely insane and crazy. i'm not convinced she should have been told no at the beginning, although yes i do believe that there are real things to say no to right away, beginning with no not ever never hurt somebody else. no not ever yell or punch or push and pull on somebody else. it's never ever okay to hurt somebody else like that. bu there's still a whole bunch of things that i just feel like we need to say yes to.
so, what did i learn? i'm pretty sure that i just learned i've gotta make sure i'm paying attention whenever i'm making those decisions. i'm pretty sure that if i decided it was okay for her to hold the razor, then i just should have decided i was going to stay with her and watching the whole time she was holding it. because if i'm not able to do that, then i probably shouldn't have decided it was okay to play with. (by the way, what did aviyah learn from the whole situation? a) daddy makes mistakes. . . which by the way, she isn't really just learning, and b) playing with a razor isn't something she really wants to do. what's the gain? she learned it from her own choices.
what else has she learned like that?
- don't tilt your head backwards when you're learning to sit up.
- don't make sudden turns when you're learning to walk.
- don't stick the fork all the way in your mouth when you're learning to feed yourself.
- don't jump off the toilet seat.
- don't jump off a moving swing.
- don't run full speed into the wall.
- don't touch the side of a really really hot pan. (or really, even the things inside it.)
- don't rock jump on the rocking chair when you're also trying to rock it.
- don't close a dresser drawer when you still have one hand inside it.
- not everything you stand on is strong and stable.
- it really is cold outside. (still in process. . . )
