for sure.

aviyah is 3 1/2 years old now. yalei is almost 1 1/2 years old. they are still so tiny, but they feel like they're so much bigger to me. sometimes i think about how crazy this whole thing is. i am at a restaurant or at a park or on the sidewalk and i see the crazy things we do from the outside. i see parents making a really really really big deal out of really small things. and i think, what are we really doing?

i'm always afraid that i'm doing something i don't really want to do. i'm always trying to think: is this something i was taught? is this what i really want to say? is this how i really want to say it?

recently, samantha started to ask if i wanted to have a third child. i feel like yes, the answer is yes, but i feel like it's also more complicated than that. it is really really beautiful sometimes, but it's also really really hard. sometimes, i also feel like just lying down on the bed is a really really beautiful thing, too.

no, i mean for real. i mean, big picture and small picture, sometimes, being able to do exactly what you want to do in exactly that moment is so important. i mean that. i know that there is balance, but i sometimes i really also miss being able to live just my own life.

before we had aviyah, we talked about teaching overseas. we were going to apply to be in the peace corps in china. i still feel sad that we weren't able to do that. i feel like there are things that can totally change your life. you are one person, and then you are another. what happens when you do them? what happens when you don't do them?

at the end of the day, i just really want to process and i really want to understand why i really do want to have more children. i feel like people can get caught up in so many races. i just want to know for sure.