self efficacy

in social work, i studied young adolescent identity development. i was deeply interested in how young adults tested and confirmed their personal and social identities. in order establish a clear definition of identity for reserach, it's necessary to define identity and the variables that define identity exploration and identity confirmation.

i remember that one very important variable in my research, self-efficacy, measured an individual's belief that they would succeed or fail in relation to real personal experience. for example, high self efficacy means that an individual has a strong belief that he or she will succeed, even though objective personal experience may not show that to be true. in contrast, low self efficacy means that an individual believes that he or she will fail, even though all personal experience should lead the individual to believe that they will be successful.

i am thinking about that know because it's always really stuck with me. i've felt, when i've looked at myself, that i succeed. i know that if i set out to achieve a goal, i will achieve that goal. i've really deeply beleived that, and of course, there are a series of goals that i have been fortunate to accomplish. at the same time, i realize also, that by choosing to beleive that i am a string of successes, i have chosen to deemphasize or outright ignore significant experiences where i have failed or simply not achieved my goal.

it's interesting, though, because i see that as you believe, as you genuinely believe that you can accomplish hard tasks, you are first increasingly likely to take them on and second increasingly likely to succeed at them. you unconsciously marginalize marginal setbacks and emphasize personal accomplishments as representative.

it reminds me of when somebody says to a young teacher, "fake it til you make it." i don't really believe it's like that because i don't think you set out to marginalize or emphasize this accomplishment or that failure. i think, inside of the matirx of variables of identity, when you come to clearly confirm a personal identity, it is because you have a deep seated understanding of who you are and who you truly want to be.

unless of course, it isn't true at all. unless, of course, this whole thing is a sham and i'm right back where i was when i was 16. who am i? who am i now? who was i then? who do i want to be? how can i be that person i really want to be? and, most importantly, how is it that sometimes, sometimes it feels like i'm so terribly far away?