bullies

last year, aviyah was bullied several times by a young girl. one time, she was scratched so deeply that a long, light scar is still on her cheek. at that time, we tried to make it clear to the school that while we didn't blame the young girl or the parents or the teachers, we certainly wanted to come up with strategies that could help prevent future incidents. when we approached the parents to speak together on constructive ways we could help the two girls, they refused to talk to us. the school also refused to come up with new plans to make sure that she was safe. when they challenged me to come up with ideas and i came up with seven, they simply said they'd consider them and get back to us.

each party clearly felt that aggressiveness was just a normal stage for many young toddlers to go through. and, in fact, i am sure that it is a completely normal developmental stage. however, i refused to accept it was "normative" behavior, or behavior we have to accept as socially appropriate. we clearly need to react and respond to what our children are doing in order to teach them what we want to encourage. i always believed that actual teachable moments are not the moments when kids are actually in the middle struggle, but instead, the moments and spaces between the struggles. in these longer moments, we build up our connections to our children and students, and in these quieter moments, we have more important, more substantial, and more real conversations.

i've always felt that our reaction to our childrens' behaviors was more important than our childrens' actual behaviors. and we knew that the first strategies clearly weren't working because she was attacked by the same girl on four different occasions. it wasn't getting any better!

(on a quick aside: we were walking in front of my school the other day, on our way to the park. aviyah spotted a cute dog, and we walked up to the man walking the dog and asked if aviyah could pet her. it turns out that the man walking the dog was the little girl's father, and well, within four minutes, the girl stepped up to aviyah and just flat pushed her down to the ground. just yesterday, i was talking with aviyah and i was a little bit frustrated by everything and i said to her something that i've worked a year and a half to not say: i told her that i didn't realy like the other girl because i felt she was mean to aviyah. i love you very much, i said, and it kind of hurts me too when people are mean to you.)

anyway, when we decided to change schools, i tried to make clear to the old school, to the teachers, and to our friends, that we were not leaving the school because we felt it was so abnormal for kids at that age to push or pull or scratch. we left the school because we just didn't feel like she was totally safe. we felt the school was so great in so many ways, and we definitely did not want to and did not bad mouth the school to anyone. we tried to give a fair and honest answer about why we left, but we always made certain to explain that we felt that everyone was good people.

long story short, last week, aviyah was pushed for a second time by a new boy in her new school. last spring, we chose the new school specifically because the director assured us that their lead teachers are graduates from early childhood education programs, and the agency also employs social workers that they agreed to speak with in challenging situations.

i spoke with the director of the new school on tuesday, and i explained to her that we were not upset at the child, the teachers, or the parents. i also explained that i understand that children sometimes go through devleopmental stages that frustrate us and others. at the same time, i said, we have to distinguish ourselves by how we react and respond to challenging situations. she agreed and she said the issue just came up on the radar for them. i definitely appreciated her honesty, and she said the teachers and staff were going to speak and develop a plan last week, so i'll check in with them early this week to see what they think.

we've thought a lot about this, obviously, over the last year. i think aviyah has moved on, but she was definitely sad to leave the old school and she took a minute to really adjust to the new school. and, more, i've thought if i'm a too pushy parent because i'm involved in education and youth development. i've talked about it with a bunch of different educators, and i definitely think i don't ever want to choose their curriculum or choose their intervention strategies. however, i do want to make sure they they think about their choices and that they communicate their reasoning with parents. still, i want to be sure that they do have a curriculum, that they do have intervention strategies, that they do have reasons they are making the choices they are making.

i want to be like the best parents i see at my school. parents who are clear and fair about questions they ask, and parents who want to understand clearly what is going on in the classroom. good parents can mean so much to making sure their children get the right attention in the right ways, and i certainly don't want to be overbearing or intrusive. for real, i appreciate the strengths at both schools. at the same time, they have to own the things that happen there, and they've got to be smart and prepared to intervene during situations and prevent new ones from happening.

in the meantime, the director did give me a tip that we can use to help aviyah stand up for herself. we've looked at a few books that we might buy, and i worked with aviyah a lot this morning to role play what she can do to let the other kids know she can stand up for herself. i told her that she should stand up immediately if she is sitting down, and she should say in a loud and firm voice to the other child, "no thank you. that's not nice." she can also choose to just move away from the other child if she needs to.

she was doing really well, and i think she likes raising her voice a little. it's hard to say, though. it seems like, so far, the real big problem is that she knows that i'm just daddy, so she smiles and giggles the whole time she's standing up to me.